Hello, Again

It's Mother's Day.  Today, I'm supposed to do what I want.  But what happens when I don't really know what I want... it's almost as if I've forgotten how to know what I want when I'm unbound by obligation.  Sad, but true.

So, I just decided to go wherever the Universe took me today.  Apparently, it took me here.  And I want to say, "I'm sorry."  I have neglected this child of mine-- this little baby blog that was once so important to my life, to my sanity, to the ability for me to keep going during a time that was so full of ups and downs.

Please forgive me.  I have forgiven myself. :) 

Moving on...  An incredible amount of life has happened over the last couple of years.  My son's PANDAS is manageable.  He's a vibrant almost-15-year-old full of so much compassion, but perhaps a little less than adequate foresight.  Ah well, kindness and compassion win in my book every time.  My daughter is almost twelve going on twenty.  She is independent and loving and I couldn't ask for more.  She wrote me a really sweet song for Mother's Day and performed it on her guitar.

As for this whole Mother's Day thing... I always get really really overwhelmed on Mother's Day.  It's kind of silly, really.  But social media makes it hard on moms who wake up in the morning to a normal day-- no breakfast in bed or flowers or even an extra hour of rest.  I always feel like Mother's Day is anticlimactic, like I'm supposed to be showered with love and affection.  Then, when I'm sitting at my computer in my pajamas after having made breakfast for myself and whomever else wandered in, seeing all the glorious cards and gifts and days and photos from EVERYONE ELSE'S kick-ass Mother's Day, I start to wonder why mine isn't a Hallmark kind of day.

Then I realize something-- I get hugs and kisses every day... even from my 15 year old.  I get music and laughter.  I get the tears and the pain and the struggle.  I get to be the rock.  I also get to be the structure.  Having my children in my life IS the blessing, it IS the gift.  I KNOW they love me, and they don't need to make me breakfast in bed (or even a song-- although it totally rocked-- but I got it last night so it didn't feel like a Mother's Day surprise) to show how important I am to them.

I know it when my daughter comes in my room in the middle of the night scared, and I crawl into bed with her and hug her.  I know it when my son, who's bigger than me, wraps his arms around me and says, "You're the best mom."  I know it when my husband hugs me and says, "You know how much you mean to me."  I know it when my step-mom calls me to tell me that I have done a really great job raising my kids, and that I'm a really good mom and it makes me cry.

I know it when I get Mother's Day cards from my kids' friends... because I am like a mom to them.

I know it because we are the house that's swarming with kids, and messes, and homemade cookies, and music, and despite the crazy dogs and the dust, this is where they all want to be.

And despite the crazy dogs and the dust (and all the kids) this is where I want to be.

So, if you're a mom who woke up, dragged yourself into the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee, cleaned up some messes and got on with your day today-- know that your kids love you just as much as the moms who got breakfast in bed.  But maybe they don't need a special day to show you-- because all the moments that they show you add up to so much more than one day.