I am going to...

"Broke (In the sense of having no money)

Many banks in post-Renaissance Europe issued small, porcelain "borrower's tiles" to their creditworthy customers. Like credit cards, these tiles were imprinted with the owner's name, his credit limit, and the name of the bank. Each time the customer wanted to borrow money, he had to present the tile to the bank teller, who would compare the imprinted credit limit with how much the customer had already borrowed. If the borrower were past the limit, the teller "broke" the tile on the spot."

                                                                                                        -www.westegg.com

Interesting origin of this simple word, which has been buzzing around in my head and manipulating my thoughts, emotions, relationships and actions these days.  We are down to the nitty gritty, and no amount of Gorilla Glue could fix that tile.  So, last night Jay and I agreed that one of us would need to get another job.  

We have tried to cut expenses... I no longer go to the salon for a haircut, I tweeze instead of wax, we cut back on music lessons, we go to the dollar show on our date night, we skip a lot of events with friends that we would love to attend... The very most unfortunate thing is that my children are not able to participate in as many classes as I would have hoped. (sigh) I honestly don't know where we can cut back any more.  

(Well, okay... we can be more careful about turning off lights and running the dishwasher less.  And probably smartphones are not a human basic need... )  

But generally speaking, we are not big money-spenders.  We rarely go out to dinner, I don't buy new clothes (unless the undies get holes or the kids can't get into their pants anymore- yes, kids grow), I've sold all the gold I've ever owned (not much), and I don't constantly buy my kids the newest video game or Monster High Dolls.  So, when my oven finally conked out yesterday, and we counted the number of electrically challenged light fixtures in the house, not to mention the non-functioning garage door and the expired computer anti-virus software, (none of which we can afford to fix), my loving husband and I decided that one of us needs to get another job.

It should probably be me.

And I am scared.

Why am I scared?  Since leaving my career up north, I have worked part time several times.  I have been a desk-clerk at a dance studio, nannied other people's children, started (and abandoned)  my own organic cookie company, sold various products through the "party" model, and taken on freelance writing projects.  Why am I so scared now?  What's different?

Two things:  One, we are now home schooling.  Getting another job with change a lot.  Two, I am right in the middle of trying to achieve my soul's dream of writing for a living- writing what I want, on my terms.  Getting an hourly job will put a huge crimp in my write-time.

Oh wait, THREE!  The last one being that Jay and I are trying to realize both of our lifelong dreams of becoming coffee shop owners once again.  

Doh!  Wait, there's FOUR!  The final reason being I'm afraid that life as we know it (and like it) will fall apart if I begin to work outside the house again.  Now, don't get me wrong on this one.  We do not live in a chauvinistic household.  I made the choice to stay at home, I respect my choice (so should you), and I'm good at what I do.  I am a household manager, teacher, event planner... We are just getting into a comfortable rhythm and I'm honestly afraid to upset it.

I have been desperately trying to study and figure out how to increase traffic to my (newly monetized) blog.  But when it comes to technical language, I might as well be reading the instructions about how to assemble an Ikea media wall- in Japanese.  I have read and re-read chapters in a very simply stated instructional book, I have gone through the web-crawler installation wizard multiple times...  I need better exposure.  I need links into my page.  I need... a glass of wine right about now.  

Meanwhile, I asked my hub to give me two weeks to get this all moving.

My two weeks are almost up... so I am preparing to write up my resume.  (gulp)

It's not that I don't want to work.  I have never shied away from a challenge, or from hard labor.  It's something deeper.  It feels like a loss... it feels like I've failed.  Myself.  For once I decided to make writing a career for me, to dedicate my rare free time to my passion, to never again be afraid to say, "I'm a writer."  THIS time, I was really going to do it.  

But life got in the way.  My momentum?  Broke (n).

How many people have had to give up their passion to work a day job, to make ends meet?  I know.  I know.  Most of us.  What a wonderful world it would be if we could all do what we loved, and survive on it.  Oh, what a wonderful world it would be.

And then there's the coffee... we were finally on track with that... Jay and I have been pouring whatever leftover energy we have into truly making a go of it.  I don't want to see that come to a halt. 

And then what lesson will I be teaching my kids?  (not the lesson I spouted all over about the other day...) Yes, I could go get a job at a coffee shop (great market research), but then I will feel like some kind of liar or traitor if I leave them to start my own place, or if I'm roasting and selling on the side.  Grrrr....  damn morals.

My thoughts are kind of spiraling out of control.  This blog is uncensored, remember?  It's where I purge my mind so I can refresh.  (I apologize if it feels disjointed... Actually, no I don't... because feel disjointed.  What comes across here is genuine.) I don't want to be afraid.  I don't want to stop doing what I love. 

I think writing this has given me strength.  I think stringing out this thought process on paper (well, virtual paper) is helping me sort it all out in my brain.  I am GOING to be a writer.  I am GOING to use my passion to help support my self and my family.  I am going to do that by...

I am going to...

I am going to edit my last year and a half's worth of blog posts into a book.  I am then going to sell it as a Kindle book.  I AM going to do this.  

There, I said it out loud (kind of), now I have to do it.  Cuz one thing my daddy always taught me is that I am not a quitter.  Especially not when everyone knows I've started something.  

This blog may be about home schooling... but in a way home schooling is just about life, and making choices, and pursing goals.  It's about looking at a problem from many different angles, and then choosing the best way to tackle it... so aren't we all just home schooling adults?